I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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