Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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