I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
