I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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