is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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