Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I need a burrito and a hug.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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