Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
