remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
