dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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