Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
