His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
