After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we should paint friendship bongs
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
