I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
