I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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