i permit you to call me
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
