There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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