I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
