remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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