Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
