I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Oh god it's open bar.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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