Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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