Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
