I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
