GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
