Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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