Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
