my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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