he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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