i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
