I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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