Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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