dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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