So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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