Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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