thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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