How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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