I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
