Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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