TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
