It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
