Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My vagina just clenched in fear
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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