Sorry, I don't speak sober.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
