Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
