I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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