Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he thought i was a dude.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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