Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
