I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
