I don't usually arrange sex via text message
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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