if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
