I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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