im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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