xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
