Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
