I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
