omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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